We don’t like pain. In fact, most of us will go out of our way to avoid it. Yet pain in life is inevitable. While most of us would prefer a physical ailment instead of a broken heart, grief will find us all. How are we to deal with this dreaded human experience when it finds us or the ones we love?

Confusion and discomfort are common responses when others are upset, especially when tears are flowing. “What’s wrong?” is often asked of the one who is crying. The question is typically followed with attempts to help the one shedding tears feel better. Many have been told that crying, sadness, and grief are signs of weakness, or they “should be over it by now.” At some point, our culture seemed to accept the concept that unless we are feeling joy, happiness, or excitement, something is wrong. As a professional counselor, I often remind individuals that sadness and tears are normal experiences.

Humans are thinking, feeling, beings. God gifted us with being able to love deeply and to experience being loved. With that gift comes the risk of pain when those we love are no longer with us. Grief is a part of life we would rather avoid. However, everyone will likely experience grief, either directly or indirectly, at some point in life. As a result, some try to distance themselves from others to attempt to manage the hurt. It was God who said in His perfect creation that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Humans were created to be in relationships within a community.

A Very Real Human Experience

 Grief is a very interesting human experience. Many books have been written, sermons preached, and opinions offered, but we still don’t fully understand it. Humans always have and will continue to experience grief as long as we exist. We live with hope of a reunion day, but the pain of loss still hurts.

Grief impacts us directly when someone close to us dies. It can come expectedly or unexpectedly. It is common for individuals to experience deterioration of health over several years before they pass. In such cases, there is an opportunity to say goodbye, or to mend broken relationships. Goodbyes are special memories, mended relationships are priceless, but pain is still present when the loved one takes that final breath. Sudden deaths can come with regrets from no chance to say goodbye or to attempt to mend the relationship. There was no chance to “prepare.”

Understanding and processing grief can be challenging to everyone. You might be experiencing discomfort reading this. I have found writing this to be more challenging than I anticipated due to concerns about the words being used and what readers might experience. As Christians, we have hope in our grief and sorrow (1 Thessalonians 4), but we still have grief and sorrow. Jesus wept because of the hurt the loved ones of Lazarus experienced, even knowing He would resurrect His friend (John 11). Sadness and hurt are real and are a part of the human experience.

Discussion about grief naturally leads to thoughts about how it should be approached, and the types of situations that can lead to grief. Some grieve what they had and lost. Others grieve what they never had. When my father died in 2022, at the age 81, there was sadness, but the real grief came from the absence of the relationship I desired to have with my dad. When my wife’s father died in 2000, at the age of 59, she grieved what she had and lost. She had a very close relationship with her father. Not all relationships are the same.

Grief comes from various areas of loss. Moving to a new place and leaving friends can result in grief. The passing of a loved family pet often hurts. The loss of dreams, aspirations, and goals can leave the individual with sadness and hurt.

If you are experiencing grief, consider the following:

Allow yourself to grieve.

It is not uncommon for those grieving to want to protect those around them by “being strong.” Your grief might happen more organically when you are alone, but don’t avoid grieving. It is easy to attempt to ignore the pain today by turning to a device. Social media and gaming are two examples. Let yourself grieve.

Recognize your grief might be different from others’.

It is okay to be you. Maybe you prefer to hold onto pictures or express your pain on social media. You might be one who would rather not openly share your experience on a social media platform. It is okay to be you.

Give yourself time.

I sometimes hear statements such as, “I am Christian. I should be over this by now.” What is the “should” based on? What Bible chapters and verses are you using to support your thoughts?

Challenge the thought that grieving and crying are signs of weakness.

When I hear those thoughts from a client, I typically ask, “Why do you serve such a weak Savior?” This is, of course, a question I ask because I know that neither I nor the individual believes Jesus is weak. The question is asked to dispel the notion that sadness and crying are weak.

Remember Jesus is there.

All who labor and are heavy laden are invited to come to Him for rest (Matthew 11:28–30). He wants you to turn to Him for strength and grace. God the Father watched His Son die. He is fully aware of our human experience.

Remember professional help is available.

Professional counselors are trained to listen without criticism and to assist with processing thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6). Trained Christian counselors are simply conduit, but they are willing conduit, and they are there for you.

Experiencing grief indirectly involves witnessing a friend or loved one walk through the death of someone they cherished. You might be experiencing this even as you read these words. You want to help, but you are not certain the best way to help. Let’s consider some suggestions:

Let grief happen.

We often are uncomfortable watching someone we love experience hurt, which might result in hoping the process can speed up. Grief cannot be rushed. Each person experiences grief at his or her own pace. Be willing to sit in your discomfort to offer support.

Avoid the temptation to fix the situation.

You cannot fix it. We fix things that are broken. Your friend or loved one is not broken; he or she is hurting. The hurt is not stemming from that which is wrong with the one grieving. Grief is the result of that which is right with the individual. God created us to love. To love deeply creates the possibility of hurting deeply.

Focus more on listening than giving advice.

Job’s friends became “miserable comforters” when they began to speak to him. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). The most fitly spoken word is sometimes the unspoken word. In some cases, attempted words of comfort can have more of a negative impact, even though the words are well intended. Clients I have counseled who are experiencing grief express that having a safe place to talk and cry has been helpful to them. Remember, one can listen to that which is being said without experiencing 100% agreement with the words being spoken.

Even if you have experienced grief, remember the experience of others might not be identical to your experience.

Allow for individuality in grief. Avoid statements such as, “I understand,” if you have not yet experienced deep grief. As a younger pastor, I could feel sad when people experienced the passing of a parent, but I could not empathize or understand until my dad died the day following my sixtieth birthday.

Pray, but put action with your prayers.

One of the challenges the surviving loved one experiences is the task of continuing daily activities and responsibilities of living. The lives of others around them continue as before, but so much has changed for the one grieving. It can become easy to say we are there for them and praying for them without offering tangible assistance.

Professional counseling, especially Christian counseling, is often sought to help the one grieving to process the experience. As a Christian professional counselor, I have worked with several individuals experiencing grief. There are similarities for each, but there are also differences. It is the opinion of the author that there is no perfect or one true way to grieve, even when grieving with hope. Each will have a unique experience.