As parents, we pour our hearts, minds, and souls into raising our children to follow our values, morals, and faith. But what happens when we train our children up in the way they should go, and they go a different way?
When our child strays from the expected path, it can feel like a punch to the gut. We are left blindsided and wonder where we went wrong. We feel like we have failed God and may feel like God has failed us. In our heartbreak we ask, “Why?”
I have asked, “Why?” I have felt blindsided. I felt angry that I did my part but God didn’t hold up His end of the bargain. Many parents feel this way too.
My daughter has wandered off the (my) expected course. She struggles with identity disorder and same-sex attraction.
The pain of having a prodigal child is compounded by the current culture that encourages and celebrates values and life styles in opposition to our beliefs. This is not just a problem of faith; it is a clash of worldviews that can leave parents feeling like they’ve lost control over their influence in their child’s life. Our values and families are under siege.
But there is hope. There are ways to stay connected to your children without compromising convictions. Rather than ask, “Why?” Perhaps ask, “How?” How can God use me during this time? Here are five key steps we can take to maintain a relationship with our prodigal children, while holding firm to our faith, morals, and values.
1. Pray
When it feels like everything is falling apart, prayer is our most powerful tool. Prayer isn’t just a way to ask God for His intervention; it’s also a way to align our heart with His.
Take time to pray for your child. Ask God to soften their heart and to give you wisdom. Even when your child is living in a way that is far from God’s will and way, remember God is bigger than any distance between you and your loved one. Prayer will help you guard your own heart against bitterness or anger.
2. Communicate With Love
One of the hardest things when a child chooses a different path is how to communicate with them. It is easy to fall into the trap of lecturing or criticizing. Your child is keenly aware of what you believe. What they need most is love. If your child is distancing themselves from God, faith, or your values, or even your family, they are likely struggling with their own internal conflict. The Holy Spirit may be in the process of convicting them.
Do not always discuss the “thing” when you are together. Find topics and activities that draw you together. Relationship is the place we where we have the most influence. Let God do the convicting, and you do the connecting. When the Lord moves you, speak truth in love and show grace. Let them know that no matter what, you love them unconditionally and fully accept them, even if you do not agree with them.
3. Set Boundaries
As you maintain your convictions, it’s important to set clear and reasonable boundaries with your child. This might mean there are certain topics that are off-limits or particular behaviors that are unacceptable. As you set your boundaries keep the door open. It might be uncomfortable at times, but it is essential to show that while you don’t agree with their choices, you love them no matter what. Remain consistent in your convictions and do not close the door on your relationship.
4. Give Grace
When a child steps away from the values you hoped to instill, it is easy to react with frustration or despair. Perhaps this time is essential to their spiritual journey. The issue is not really the behavior but rather more indicative of their relationship with the Lord. Trust God with this. His heart is that they come to Him and live a life that glorifies Him as well. Just as God extends grace to us, we must extend grace to our prodigal. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is wait and trust God with the outcome. The grace you show might be the very thing that draws them back to your family and the Lord.
5. Stay Focused
While you’re walking this difficult road with your child, don’t neglect your own spiritual health. It’s easy to become consumed with worry, shame, guilt, or hurt when you have a prodigal. Stay rooted in your relationship with God. Seek out community for support, find a prayer partner who will pray with and for you and your child. We are not meant to go through this struggle alone. Depend on the Lord and lean on those He provides. The stronger you are spiritually, the more you will be able to endure this challenging season with grace and wisdom.
It is heartbreaking to have a child who wanders away from faith and family. We can maintain a relationship without compromising our convictions. Through prayer, loving communication, setting boundaries with grace, and staying faith-focused with God’s help, we can navigate this difficult journey. Ultimately, our Heavenly Father is the one who transforms hearts. He loves our wanderer even more than we do.
Never give up!
