Belonging. It is an innate human desire. Our identities often become formed by those we associate with. When I was younger, if I wanted to be an exceptional basketball player, I would have wanted to train with the best. Could you imagine the results of having someone like Michael Jordan be your mentor? I have never been a good basketball player, despite my height of 6 feet 3 inches. While I would not become an equal with Michael Jordan in playing basketball, I certainly would have become a better player, but more than that, I would have been in his circle of connections. Being in a close relationship with others brings a sense of belonging. Belonging means being accepted and being a part of something bigger than ourselves. When you find someone who shares a similar value or trait, you are automatically drawn to them. When we share similar values, we wear a logo, we have bumper sticker and we have conversations about the things we value together. Belonging and identity are an essential part of the human experience – and they often go hand-in-hand.
What happens when you do not feel like you belong? How long would you stay involved in a club or an organization if you did not feel welcome or if you felt like you had nothing to contribute? Worse, what if folks ignored you altogether? Would you still associate with that club or organization? Of course not! You would not only leave the organization, but you certainly would not “advertise” for them. You would not identify with the organization simply because you felt like you did not belong! In fact, not only would you not “advertise” for the organization, you would more than likely not have positive things to say about the organization. Even if you are a “good person” and would not talk badly about the organization, the mantra, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all,” would certainly apply!
Reimagining Church as Family was written because each author, and people like them, have often felt left out of “the church”—even if they are passionately pursuing God. It is not as if these folks have been intentionally left out; rather, there has been little intentionality in developing a culture of belonging.
For far too long, many churches have been defining family ministry by the “traditional nuclear family” model, which is actually a post-World War II modern construct. This model of programming for a home of “mom, dad, and 2.5 kids” has left many with a sense of not belonging. In other words, we have defined “family” and “family ministry” with a limited model that is defined by nuclear family, age and stage, and secular culture definition. Yet Jesus theologically defined His family in Matthew 12:46–50.
I am a single dad of three adopted sons. As a ministry leader on a church staff, I have often felt left out of my own church because nearly everything was geared toward a skewed definition of family ministry. I adopted because I felt compelled by James 1:27. Was I being someone who “does the will of my Father in heaven”? I would like to think so! How about the single mother who lost her husband in a car accident? How about the spouse who, despite his or her best efforts, is divorced due to the other spouse being unfaithful or becoming dangerous to the family through mental illness? How about grandparents who are raising and discipling their grandchildren? These are examples of people who are seeking to do with the will of God. These are real-life situations where some have felt like a “fifth wheel” at their own church. In the church, we often deal with the tension between the ideal (dad, mom, and 2.5 plus kids) and the real, like the situations listed above. Sometimes, when folks are placed in a “real situation” beyond their control, they often feel unintentionally left out. They feel like they do not belong, and when they do not belong, they struggle more with their identity in Christ.
Certainly, I support the “ideal” family, and Reimagining Church as Family celebrates these families! What Church as Family advocates for is the continuation of the ideal family, but also encourages the definition of family ministry to be theologically expanded, where churches become a place of belonging. We are advocating for both affinity groups (such as married couples, singles, etc.), but we are also advocating for intentionality when it comes to the church being more integrated with all God’s children who are seeking to do His will. To be clear, we are not advocating for the acceptance of unorthodox thinking that is in rebellion to the truth of all Scripture!
So, what can be done to make our churches more welcoming and bring a sense of belonging to those who are seeking to do the will of the Father?
First, just be more mindful and aware. There are more “non-traditional” families in our church than we might think. Some research shows that the number of non-traditional families is almost equal to the number of traditional families.
Second, suspend judgment. Often, when people are different from us, we often subconsciously judge them due to cultural influence. There are many different family types that find themselves in circumstances not of their choosing. In fact, like in my situation, I am a single dad to three sons because I was compelled to be obedient to Scripture. For single parents, we often feel like the church is trying to “fix us”—as if we are broken or less than. Yet, Paul and Jesus were both single. This is a harsh rhetorical question, but were they less qualified to do ministry because they were single? (An even harsher question, “Would they even be allowed to be the pastor of your church?”) The best way to suspend judgment is to get to know the family. Invite the parents or grandparents for coffee and hear their story for the sake of getting to know them, not to determine if they are “worthy” of belonging.
Third, have your church move toward just a little bit of intentionality by asking the question, “How can we plan some of our events or programming in a way where non-traditional families will feel included?” The more we segregate in the church, the more divided we are. In fact, there is a lot of research showing the reason young people leave the faith is that they have been separated from the life of the body of Christ by having too much of their own separate ministry. When young people do not feel like they belong, gain ownership of their faith, or feel like they are part of something bigger than themselves through church involvement, they leave the church and often abandon their faith. This is how some of our “less than ideal” families feel.
These are some of the concepts we consider in Reimagining Church as Family. We invite you into this journey of growing God’s family!
Get a copy of Reimagining Church as Family here.
