Grieve With, Don’t Speak to
By Dave Keehn, author of “Living in the Shadow of Grief”
When someone you care for suddenly experiences a traumatic loss, your natural first reaction will be to respond with an urgency to do something to help. It is a good and compassionate response, but it may not be the best action. Instead, grieve with them. This loss has “sucker punched” you too. This loss has taken you by surprise, and you need to grieve as well. What is worse about your situation is the pressure you put upon yourself to help alleviate the pain of the situation. When my son Adam passed away, many people were overwhelmed with grief: the youth of Adam’s ministry and his church, the churches where I had served and was serving at the time, his soccer team, his college roommates, and our large extended family.
All these groups felt a need to help, but it became overwhelming as they all contacted me at once. We must be careful not to overwhelm the person who has lost a loved one. The best help Debbie and I received was simply the long, silent hugs from people who were grieving too. We did not need a lot of words, although some well-timed and thoughtful texts and emails were especially encouraging. The best thing about those texts and emails is that I could go back on my own and re-read them. In each of these examples, the people allowed their grief to guide their response to us.
For those walking alongside someone suddenly grieving, the best response to the suddenness of grief is to wait, wait for the other person to initiate the hug, to initiate the conversation. Be present but be silent. Be present but wait in prayer. How grateful I am as well for those in the initial days who simply prayed for us. I was sent a picture from our church on the night Adam died; it was simply a scene of more than 50 people who spontaneously gathered at our church to pray for our family. I don’t know who or how this prayer time was organized, but that was the best response my church could give us. Be visible and available, but wait for the person grieving to reach out to you.
One last word to those of you walking alongside someone experiencing the suddenness of grief: Be careful with the words you say. The best thing you can say, IF you have to say anything at all is, “I’m sorry.” Let silence communicate your love. Too often, our words add more pain to the grieving heart. “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart” (Proverbs 25:20). Cheerfulness around those who are grieving is like ripping away someone’s coat on a cold day or pouring acid on a wound.
To help, here are seven statements that many think will help, but rarely do in the initial stages of loss.
Seven statements NEVER to say:
- “You’ll be ok.”
- “At least…”
- “It’s for the best…”
- “I know how you feel.”
- “Keep a stiff upper lip.”
- “You should”/ “You shouldn’t” (don’t give advice)
- “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”
A good rule to follow is to let those who’ve lost be the pacesetters of talking: don’t talk more than they do. Remember, Job’s friends were commended for their comfort as they sat with Job for seven days and seven nights. They saw his suffering was so great, they marked solidarity with Job’s pain in silence. It was not until they opened their mouths that they made things worse. To help you with this, remember to WAIT—ask “Why Am I Talking?” Perhaps you should just grieve with the person and not speak to them.
Get your copy of Living in the Shadow of Grief here for more tips and encouragement on grief.
