The year was 2009. I was waiting to hear back from a publisher about my first manuscript. I had made it miraculously through acquisition board meetings and was awaiting the final yay or nay. When I received the news that my book 31 Days to a Younger You would indeed be published, I was overjoyed!
The day I signed my contract, I said, “Let’s celebrate and get some ice cream!” I wasn’t even suggesting going out for ice cream—just picking up a couple of gallons from the corner grocery store and rejoicing with spoons at the ready. My only request? That one of the ice cream choices would have chocolate in it. I had visions of chocolate ganache or something like Moose Tracks with that rich fudge ripple. A modest request, right?
James went to the store with Ethan and Noelle (ages five and three at the time) and returned with the celebration ice cream. The first gallon was Caramel Pecan Crunch. Okay, not my first choice, but I still had one more chance. Then, James pulled out a gallon of Cookies and Cream. Cookies and Cream?! I’m sorry, but I don’t see chocolate in Cookies and Cream. Sure, the cookies are chocolate-flavored, but there’s no real chocolate in that ice cream.
I started to get mad—really mad. Wasn’t this celebration centered around me and my book contract? Asking for chocolate ice cream wasn’t a big ask. Oh, and did I mention I was pregnant at the time?
James scooped my Cookies and Cream into a dish while I just sat there, baffled and disappointed. Ethan noticed my silence and said, “Mom, you always tell us to be grateful for what we’re served. You don’t look very grateful!” No joke—my five-year-old called me out.
That cracked the ice in my heart. “You’re right,” I admitted to Ethan. “I am grateful for this ice cream.” And with that, I ate my dessert. James apologized for his kind-of-like chocolate purchase, I forgave, and we got back on track.
When our spouses make small mistakes, it’s best to forgive quickly—because there will always be more opportunities to extend grace.
Small frustrations in marriage—like getting the wrong ice cream—are one thing. But what about the bigger mistakes? The ones that cost more than a moment of disappointment?
Merriam-Webster defines a mistake as “a wrong judgment or a wrong action or statement proceeding from faulty judgment, inadequate knowledge, or inattention.” We easily make mistakes when we’re tired, hungry, distracted, frustrated, or in unfamiliar territory. James has had plenty of practice forgiving me for mistakes—many of them involving our cars.
Years ago, my mentors Pam and Bill Farrel had a very steep driveway leading up to their house, nicknamed the driveway of death. I had driven our car up (that was the easy part). But backing down? That was another story. I attempted a three-point turn in a tight spot, making small curving maneuvers when I suddenly heard a big CRUNCH. I had backed into a stucco wall, stripping the paint off my rear bumper. Completely stuck, I had to ask Bill to take over and get my car back in position.
When I got home, I decided to cushion the blow before telling James. “Remember last year when our friend backed into our car? Well, I did something kind of like that.” That framing helped—James braced for the worst, and when he saw the actual damage, he was relieved. (Take notes, because that tactic works!) He gave me a hug and told me it was all right.
More recently, we had just bought a Toyota Sienna. I pulled into our garage, unloaded the groceries, and—without thinking—hit the garage door button. The problem? The trunk was still open. The closing garage door made a terrible crunching sound. My heart sank as I inspected the damage. A long scratch ran across the van, and the letter “E” had fallen off SIENNA. Our four-month-old minivan now read SI NNA.
James could have been furious. I certainly would have flipped out if the roles were reversed. But instead, he calmly looked at SI NNA, walked to his tool bench, and grabbed a screwdriver. He popped all the letters off the back. “There, that looks better,” he said. And that was that. Now, we are the proud owners of an unnamed, generic Toyota minivan.
When you’re tempted to criticize or find fault, look for a reason to be grateful instead. 1 Peter 4:8-9 (NIV) says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” Forgive the small things, talk about the big things, and forgive those too. Marriage is filled with moments where we can choose frustration or grace. We can turn those annoying mishaps into reasons to give thanks.
Because we have been forgiven, we can forgive—even when your spouse gets the ice cream wrong or dents the car.
A strong marriage isn’t built on perfection but on grace, gratitude, and a good sense of humor. Instead of reacting in frustration, take a moment to find something to be thankful for—whether it’s the effort your spouse made or the fact that the mistake wasn’t worse. Choose to extend grace as freely as you’d hope to receive it, knowing that mistakes are inevitable, but bitterness doesn’t have to be. And don’t forget to laugh! Some of the best marriage stories come from life’s little mishaps. The more you can let go, laugh together, and move forward as a team, the stronger your marriage will be.
For more wisdom (and laughs) from Arlene Pellicane, check out her new book Making Marriage Easier: How to Love (and Like) Your Spouse for Life—because a joyful marriage isn’t just possible, it’s God’s good plan for you.
