ramblings on fellowship.

It seems like lately I’ve had one overwhelming, absorbing thought pervading me, consuming my mental energies and my emotional storehouses, ransacking my prayer life, and dominating my conversations.

One thought that’s becoming an… obsession? Maybe.

But, y’all, I have got to get to the bottom of this.

The question is two fold (the first portion of which I offer no thoughts, because I’m confounded by it): To what ends of the earth do you seek for true intimate, personal fellowship, if such even exists in such a readily available form (aside from the wonderful-yet-impersonal-and-not-enough fellowship that happens on Sunday mornings… and occasionally on Facebook or by text message), AND how can I insure that within the walls of my house, these six God-appointed family members of mine grow steadily more deeply, inseparably, and meaningfully in true fellowship?

I haven’t even come close to getting this beast figured out. I feel like I’m wading through muck, my feet stuck under vacuum-packed sludge. Meanwhile, my frantic desire to make sure my children grow up to have healthy fellowship with their father, their siblings, and me, has hijacked all of my normal daily desires.

Because, here’s the thing, it seems like a lot of people turn out to be Cray. You know it’s true. People just seem to go crazy, and I’m beginning to think that we might all be a bit crazy. Most of us are pretty flawed by our own baggage, whatever it is. I’ve begun to have fears about what baggage I’m inadvertently passing along to for my little loves to carry. To add insult to injury, at some really depressing point in life I realized that most people I know aren’t good friends with their siblings or are disenchanted with their parents. yuck. I mean really, like really, I want my children to grow up and NOT think I screwed them up. I really want to succeed at not screwing them up. Like, I really really want to.

So in the interest of social and familial health and promotion of true, fulfilling fellowship, I’ve identified a few things I want to model for my kiddos, and that I want to focus on in child-rearing. These things, I feel, are relationship-killing bad habits. (Note: don’t remind me how many other relationship-killing bad habits exist outside of these, I don’t think my brain can handle any more.)

I really wanna raise children who choose NOT to manipulate. Even when it’s definitely gonna work to get what they want, even when it’s surely gonna go unnoticed, even when it’s so gray that it’s explainable to anyone who cares to listen, and even when most people will get on the bandwagon with them. Even then I want them to choose candid, honest transparency instead.

Similarly, I want to raise children who are honest. Honest with each other, honest with themselves. Willing to give AND hear hard words, if the words are necessary. Even if they wound. I want these beautiful little people to grow in to big people who have the kind of integrity that allows them to speak words of wisdom to those they love, and the kind of teachable and humble spirit that allows them to listen to those who speak trustworthy words into their own lives.

I also want to raise children who are not looking out for themselves, but trusting the Lord for the details of their own affairs, and instead are spending their energy—emotionally and otherwise—looking out for those around them. Some may call this selflessness, some call it grace; I call it a lost art (I’m no good at it, so I really have a long way to go to teach this to my babes).

And one other thing: loyalty. I want to raise kids who are loyal to us, loyal to each other, loyal to their friends and to their congregation, and obviously to the Lord. Loyalty has become a loaded and powerful word to me, one that carries a lot of weight, one that I want to define me more and more. Definitely one that I want spoken of my children…but loyalty is not peace-over-honesty. Sometimes loyalty is raw, selfless, painful, honest. Sometimes it bites back. Rarely is it returned. Loyalty is a dark and lonely road, sometimes.

So, today I found myself beseeching the Lord for one more character trait for these little ones of mine, to have a passion kindled in their souls for His Word, which gives life day after day after day, supplies wisdom for every moment, comfort for every heartache, peace for every worry, light for every dark road.
Transparency, honesty, trusting selflessness. And loyalty.

And the Word.

These things have come to have very deep, very penetrating meaning to me. Desperately I desire for my children to become adults who possess these traits in excess. I know that desire gives birth to fruit in prayer…and I’m really banking on that.

Because the older I get the more I realize that I don’t possess these things myself. I’m trying, oh I’m trying. But it’s not easy, ya know?

In fellowship, let’s pray together for all our children, for the army we are rearing to take our places as His church on earth, that they grow in selfless, honest, candid, deep, spirit-filled fellowship, and maybe they can teach the rest of us how to do it. And if your own bank of wisdom offers insight on the first portion of my question about fellowship, please feel free to pass along your thoughts.